Ted

It's been so long since I laughed this hard at the theatre. Normally I have a tendency to shy away from Seth MacFarlane, he and I have had our differences. However, the commercials intrigued me so much that I had to give it a chance. I laughed so hard at times tears momentarily blurred my vision. By the way, just a public service announcement, this is NOT a movie to take your kids or any kids to see.

John Bennett (Mark Wahlberg) makes a Christmas wish that comes true, and now his stuffed bear Ted is alive. The miracle is shocking at first, (especially from his parents, whose reaction to a walking talking toy is hilarious). Ted and John grow up best friends, and after a brief career as a B list celebrity, Ted and his human settle down with John's girlfriend Lori (Mila Kunis). Working at a menial job, and spending most of his time getting wasted with his teddy bear doesn't sit well with Lori, and soon the pair has to face the reality of adulthood, with hilarious consequences.

Not only are there plenty of fart jokes and inappropriate behavior, but the unbelievably funny exchanges between the two main characters are excellent. They are still kids at heart, as can be seen by their obsession with the movie "Flash Gordon", and their numerous bong side bantering:

Ted: "Oh hey, listen, try this" (passes bong to John): "I told my weed guy to step it up and he gave me that."
John: "What is this?"
Ted: "It's called "Mind Rape", it's actually pretty mellow."
John: "It doesn't sound very mellow."
Ted: "Well he only had three other batches: "Gorilla Panic," "They're coming! They're coming!" and something called "This Is Permanent"... Go on, spark it up!"

Throw in Patrick Stewart as the narrator, and an awesome man vs. stuffed animal fight scene, and there you have it, one hell of a funny movie. Good times.

Savages

Dear Mr. Oliver Stone... what happened to you? I hear your name and I remember the classics ; JFK, Platoon, Wall Street. But this? Really? This is a script you should have taken off your desk and inserted directly into the nearest trash receptacle.

Let's see, where to begin. Okay, two old high school buddies go into the weed business. One of them is an ex-SEAL named Chon (Taylor Kitsch - whom you may know from Friday Night Lights or John Carter or Battleship - things have been going real well for you lately), is the crazy PTSD suffering enforcer. The other is a botanist / hippie named Ben (Aaron Johnson - Albert Nobbs and Kick-Ass), he's the one who came up with the recipe for potent pot. A mexican cartel lead by Salma Hayek, is trying to cut into their business, trying to learn their secrets for a achieving a high THC percentage. They don't want to deal.

So naturally, the cartel is looking to persuade the two weed entrepreneurs to join their team, so they go after what is most precious to them. Oh, did I mention that this just happens to be a girl they are both sleeping with? (Take a while to digest that). Oh, and her name is Ophelia, called O for short. (Give you another minute). She's also played by Blake Lively, known for the T.V. show Gossip Girl , and she's not that hot. (Again, I'll wait).

Let's ignore the fact that there's no way these two characters would ever even talk to each other let alone stay lifelong friends & business partners, but the fact that they can both have sex with the same girl within minutes of each other and still be cordial is INSANE. (Not only insane but gross, I didn't see a single condom wrapper anywhere - yuck) At one point she narrates "I know what you're thinking, slut right?". Without even pausing I answered "Yep" aloud in the theatre, and received laughs from guys and girls alike, they were thinking it too I guess.

Benicio Del Toro is the enforcer for the cartel and an artist when it comes to persuasion - a.k.a. torture. John Travolta is a corrupt DEA agent who Chon & Ben bribe once a month to carry on with business. Benicio & John - are times really that tough? What are you guys doing here? The best scene in the movie features these two together, exchanging words in a delightfully sweet dance that, along with some satisfactory violence, almost saves the movie... almost.

Long movie short, they go after her and take on a mexican drug cartel, and somehow gain the upper hand by kidnapping Salma Hayek's daughter and swapping for O. And just when you think it's over, with all three of the characters in this deranged threesome lying dead in the desert, they pull a rewind. Oh, that's how it could've happened, but let's add another thirty fucking minutes to it and create and alternate ending shall we? I guess good and bad actors both jump at the chance to be in an Oliver Stone picture despite how crappy it might be. For shame.

Fast Five

86.2 MILLION. That's all that needs to be said about this movie. In this economy, if that many people pay that much to go see a movie in the first four days of it's release, it's a pretty good bet that it's worth the money. And, in this case, the masses are absolutely right.

The squad is back! (Well, not completely, they picked up a few new characters from the last few installments along with some new faces but, I digress) After breaking Dom (Vin Diesel) out of incarceration with a daring daylight bus rescue, the crew go into hiding in Rio De Janeiro. Soon enough, however, it dawns on them that they have no money and their faces are everywhere. So, they have no choice but to get back into the game, accepting a dangerous job. They fail to succeed with their heist but it does include some really cool high speed train antics and a very long fall down a cliff. (That poor car) They barely escape after being set up and nearly killed.

Unfortunately, that job was backed by the biggest drug dealer in all of Rio. That dealer, Reyes, is pissed. So, naturally, they decide to kill two birds with one stone: get revenge, and score a lot of get-away cash. One last job. At the same time, a plane lands carrying agent Hobbs (Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson) and his squad, who will stop at nothing to bring them in. Hobbs and Dom chase each other across rooftops and through crowded streets, finally clashing one on one in a fight scene that, I admit, caused a slight raise of my body temp.

As much as I loathed the idea of yet ANOTHER Fast & Furious sequel, or any sequel for that matter, I must admit I do have a weakness for loud cars and well-built men. This was by far the best version since the original. All of the characteristics that made the franchise a success are present, along with an injection of a little "Oceans Eleven"-ish clever capering. A two hour kick-ass thrill ride with the cast giving their best, and coming out in force for one last race. Wonderful. Oh, hey Vin, you used to look like a big guy. Next to "the Rock"... not so much.

Insidious

I know many people who don't care for scary movies. You probably know a few yourself. These are the people who spend the entire film with their eyes closed, or hands covering their ears, screaming like a teenage girl at a Justin Beiber concert. Try to avoid bringing those people with you to see this movie. Or, bring a blunt object with you to knock them out so you can enjoy the flick.

From the people who brought us "Saw" and "Paranormal Activity" comes "Insidious". Josh (Patrick Wilson - "Watchmen" & "The A-Team") and Renai (Rose Byrne - "Troy" & "28 Weeks Later") Lambert have the poster board life. Three beautiful kids, a brand new house, a happy marriage. But when their eldest son falls into a mysterious coma, the new house takes on a life of it's own. Alone with the baby during the day, Renai begins hearing and seeing things. A horrific voice over the baby monitor, people appearing and disappearing, loud noises in the night. Countless moments that will have you testing the cushion in your chair. In order to please his now desperate wife, Josh moves the family into a new home. Unfortunately, the activity follows them, forcing them to take drastic action to save not only their son, but their family.

With a budget of only $1 million dollars, the movie has already grossed $36 million. Not a bad profit margin. Though there are times when you can see where they had to make budget cuts, the film proves that a huge budget does not necessarily guarantee success.

I LOVE scary movies. There's nothing better than sitting in the dark, clenching your chair, adrenaline pumping, never knowing where the next jump is gonna come from. Just for the record, I do not classify an hour and a half of blood and guts as scary. I have found that true fear in film is generated not buy what you can see, but what you can't see. Praying upon our basic fears is what makes a movie truly, memorably, scary. That's what "Insidious" does, and that is why it is the scariest movie I have seen in years. I highly recommend it to all who love a good scare. I CAN'T WAIT to by the DVD.

The Eagle

No movie can ever reach the roman era excellence of "Gladiator". Recent attempts have failed miserably. (Ya, I'm talking about you "Centurion" - just awful) Audiences are genuinely interested in the time period, which is evident not only in the timeless classics like "Cleopatra" and "Ben-Hur", but also through the success of more modern films such as "Troy", "Alexander", "Clash of the Titans", "300", not to mention hit t.v. series like "Rome" and "Spartacus". Sometimes, however, in the rush to give the viewers what they want, movie makers have a tendency to cut corners.

Casting Channing Tatum in the lead role seemed to be the first mistake made in "The Eagle". Surprisingly, the actor previously known for shirtless scenes and dancing moves, did a good job. Marcus Aquila, (Tatum) takes up his new post as commander of a regiment stationed at literally, the end of the world. Twenty years previously, the mysterious disappearance of an entire legion under the command of his father, prompted the building of a wall, sealing out the enemies and marking the edge of Rome in Britain. Marcus quickly earns the respect of his men, but his family's honor is what he desires most.

Taking with him only a slave / interpreter (Jamie Bell) who's life he saved in the arena, Marcus leaves his uncle's villa (played by Donald Sutherland) and crosses the border into unexplored territory, seeking the lost golden eagle standard. This movie certainly wasn't on the same level as the greats, but it was entertaining just the same. Though I was a little disappointed he never took his shirt off, Tatum really brought his character to life, and I hope to see him in similar roles soon. The fight scenes weren't outstanding, but they weren't cheesy either. All in all, director Kevin Macdonald now has a film he can be known for.

Paul

Before I begin this movie's critique, allow me to say that I love Simon Pegg and Nick Frost. I believe they are the best comedic duo since David Spade and Chris Farley. Their previous works, "Shaun of the Dead" and "Hot Fuzz" were laugh out loud funny and brilliantly written. If you haven't seen at least one of the films beforehand, you may not fully understand the capability of these actors, or, for that matter, director / writer Edgar Wright.

In the two previous movies, the opening weekend profits started small, then gained more and more success as the weeks went on, both bringing in more than double their production budgets, (along with impressive DVD sales) and creating a large fan base both in America and the UK. After "Shaun of the Dead" and "Hott Fuzz", Pegg split off from his partner Frost, appearing solo in "Run FatBoy Run" and the mega-hit "Star Trek" remake. (Look for him to play Scotty again in 2012) Four years later, the two have reunited in "Paul".

From director Greg Mottola - "Superbad" and "Adventureland", "Paul" is the story of two English born comic book creators, who have come to the U.S. on the ultimate vacation for sci-fi nerds. They attend comicon, and renting an r.v., embark on a road trip to visit the countries famous UFO hot spots. Just outside of Roswell, after witnessing a car crash, they stumble upon a little gray man - named Paul.

For the next hour and a half, we follow the three as they try to hide the joint smoking, cussing, bird eating and sometimes invisible alien and get him back to his ship's landing site. Along the way, they pick up a one-eyed girl who learns the joys of Darwinism, and they try to avoid the usual bumblings of the FBI who will stop at nothing to retrieve their alien.

Though I did enjoy Seth Rogens' voice as Paul, and the occasional quotes that were stolen - I mean taken from our favorite sci-fi films that are sprinkled throughout the film, "Paul" doesn't even come close to the excellence of Pegg and Frost's previous works. I wonder what is missing?.... Oh, that's right Edgar Wright. It was cute and all but, I wouldn't recommend paying to see it - I'm glad I didn't have to. Spell it with me: N-E-T-F-L-I-X

Harry Potter & The Deathly Hallows : Part 1

I read today in the LA Times that Disney is super excited about their new movie "Tangled", which is an animated film loosely based on the fairy tale Rapunzel. The reason for the flush is the film's take over the weekend; just over 48 million, which is very close to the weekend take of the newest Harry Potter film; just over 49 million. As I read it, I chuckled, because apparently the staff at the Times not only have a problem with writing, but also a problem with mathematics.
Harry Potter & The Deathly Hallows : Part 1, grossed 24 million from it's Thursday midnight showing alone, the third most successful such showing ever. It went on to gross over 125 million over the opening weekend, the sixth most lucrative opening weekend. All in all, the series has made over 1.82 billion, and the next installment looks to overtake the current record of 1.9 billion, set by the "Star Wars" films. No, really, "Tangled" has a great chance.
Harry, Ron, and Hermione are all back, and with the evil Voldemort and his death-eaters hot on their trail, they hurry to locate and destroy the remaining horcruxes in an attempt to weaken the dark wizard before the eventual showdown comes. If you're a fan, you're a fan, and no other background info is necessary. If you're not, you must at least have an understanding of who the good guys are and who the bad guys are, and may I recommend that you set aside a day to catch up on the films. They are all available.
These movies appeal to audiences because we have grown up with the characters for the past ten years. Save the loss of the original Dumbeldore, (of which I do prefer the original, may he R.I.P.), every major character has returned in every film. We, as viewers, respect that. It shows us that the film cares, and (obviously) we respond in kind. (Wink to "Lord of the Rings")
Most people say the same thing when I discuss the film, 'They've gotten so dark'. With all due respect to my acquaintances,... freaking duh! If you read the books or even follow the timeline with a bit of common sense, you would know that as you follow young wizards, eventually, they become adult wizards, and the danger gets more intense, the bad guys more scary. It was a great movie, and I can't wait for the finale. The ultimate showdown is next, good vs. evil. Unfortunately, we're going to have to wait until July 2011 to see it.

Megamind

I am a fan of animated pictures. I grew up on Disney films, and to this day I can still recite every word of "The Little Mermaid" - including the song lyrics. (Don't judge me.) Disney, however, seemed a little slow to upgrade their technology, that is, until they paired with Pixar, and the movies got even better. Everybody loved "Finding Nemo", and don't even get me started on "The Incredibles" - classic. But Dreamworks has had their name on a few winners as well, "Shrek" & "Kung Fu Panda" so when I learned the amount of money that the newest animated comedy from Dreamworks was bringing in (over $46 mil & counting) I figured it had to be good.
Will Ferrell is the voice of Megamind, an evil, brilliantly dim-witted mastermind. After a very "Superman" - like childhood trauma, both a young Megamind and a young Metro Man (voice by Brad Pitt) are flung to Earth. Megamind landed in a prison, Metro Man, in a mansion. Naturally, you can assume the upbringing differed a bit. Lifelong enemies battled again and again, until one day, unbelievably, Megamind suceeds, and finds that without an enemy, a criminal mastermind's life is pretty empty.
I must admit there were moments of levity, but none that would stick in my mind after the lights came back on. Pitt should probably stick to feature films, not voice overs. Ferrell pulled it off well, as did David Cross as 'Minion' I hope they both keep doing more animation work. Overall, it was a kids' movie. I'm not saying that's necessarily a bad thing, (or an unprofitable thing, it only costs $10 mil to produce) It's just that I feel the mark of a truly unforgettable animated feature is it's ability to appeal not only to the children, but to adolescents and adults. I didn't feel that broad spectrum appeal here. I enjoyed "Despicable Me" more. My recommendation is that this is a rental, not a purchase.

Red

Strap yourselves in for a 111 minute bad-ass thrill ride! From director Robert Schwentke, who broght us "The Time Traveler's Wife" and tv show "Lie To Me", comes the latest Bruce Willis action adventure. Willis portrays Frank Moses, who, like many of his other comrades, is retired CIA. The film's title "Red" actually stands originally as R.E.D.- retired, extremely dangerous. Enough said.

Frank Moses is retired. Retired and extremely bored. He sits in his home, literally, watching the minutes tick by. His only social interaction with the outside world is with a clerk in the agency's retirement benifits department, Sarah Ross, (Mary-Louise Parker -"Weeds" & "Fried Green Tomatoes") who finds herself falling for a man she's never met. She is constantly apologizing for the pension checks that are not arriving, even though Moses is actually tearing them up just to have a reason to call again. When a deadly firing squad make short work of his home, naturally Moses makes short work of them, and he goes on the run, trying to discern who is out to get him and along the way, to recruit the old gang.

His first stop, naturally, is Sarah's apartment. She is less than enthusiastic to see a strange man in her home. With her in tow, we are introduced one by one to an all star cast of retirees, who aren't technically as retired as they seem. Joe Matheson, (Morgan Freeman - "Shawshank Redemption" & "The Bucket List") is plucked from his nursing home, where he spends most of his time checkin out nurses. Marvin Boggs, (John Malkovich -"Rounders" & "Con Air") he picks up in the bayou, where a lifetime of paranoia finally pays off. And finally, Victoria (Helen Mirren - "The Queen" & "National Treasure 2") who admits as she reveals her hidden automatic weapon, that she occasionally takes 'jobs on the side'. Every actor is perfect for their role. An all star cast, combined with an action-packed script. A great time, a great movie!

Salt

After watching, I completely understand why the role was originally written for Tom Cruise. This movie was Mission Impossible 4. Lucky for Angelina Jolie, the script was rewritten and retitled for a female lead. Director Phillip Noyce ("The Saint" & "The Bone Collector") managed to insert all the trademarks of a spy film. You never know until the completion who the real traitor is, almost comically unrealistic actions scenes, and of course, the fake face disguise that gets torn off once they have infiltrated the building. Angelina is Evelyn Salt, a CIA agent respected by her peers and boss. One day a Russian spy walks into their offices and reveals a plot is in the works to assassinate the president of Russia at a funeral in New York City. The name of the spy who will pull the trigger: Evelyn Salt. Naturally, she will stop at nothing to clear her name, and we follow her along her deadly and quick paced journey. Jolie might not have been my first pick for the role, but considering her kick ass job in the movie "Wanted", she's qualified enough to play a female action hero. I am mystified, however, by her hair. She goes through wig after wig in this film, and I wonder, at the age of 35, has she become so emaciated that her real hair is no longer camera worthy? Though predictable, the movie had some good sequences. I recommend it for renting, not necessarily for purchase.